I blame Rod Carew. I blame Walt Garrison.

I blame Cartlon Fisk.  I blame Earl Campbell..

but mostly..  I blame myself for a long addiction to

smokeless tobacco.

   That 30-year marriage ended Sunday with

what will hopefully be the final pinch "between

my cheek and gum."  Sorry Skoal.. but I want a

divorce.  I will no longer STAND BY MY CAN Tammy

Wynette.. it's over!

   This old hillbilly habit of mine started back in

pony league baseball.  We 15-year old geniuses

thought it was cool that guys like Carew chewed.

And  "real men" like Garrison, Fisk and Campbell

told us smokeless tobacco was just fine "in a

pinch."  

   Three decades later, I'm demaning full custody

of my teeth and gums in my divorce decree from

Skoal.

   Sure, I'll miss her at first.  We were always

together for nerve-wracking games and

quick "dips" after-dinner.  Now, it seems we've

grown apart.

   I've started chewing  someone else.

Her name is Trident and she's sweet, but

sugarless.. and smells a lot better than my

ex.  Plus, she's a lot less expensive.  My ex

demanded big bucks every week.. but not

anymore.    Good luck Skoal.. have a nice life..

just stay out of mine. 

   Oh well,  at least I didn't fall for

Copenhagen.  I hear she is a real b#%*$!!